Shame is the absolute worst way to extract compliance from the heart of a child. For the most part it is ineffective because children cannot process and respond to manipulation in the way adults can, so not only will you not get the obedience you are after, but more detrimentally you will shut down their heart and ability to receive either love or discipline.
I learned this lesson the hard way. Many times out of fatigue, distraction or down right laziness I have opted to allow my children to see how frustrated, disappointed, shocked, or hurt I was through my words (“why are you acting this way”, “why would you do that”, “what were you thinking”), tone of voice or body language. Instead of taking the time and energy to discipline them properly for disobedience I have sought to procure obedience through manipulation. If they just know how disappointed I am in their actions, they will choose to stop acting this way. Although a four year old will never be able to make this logical jump, they will hear loud and clear “I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU”
Shame is a heart closer and poison to a relationship. Anytime I come before the Lord with shame , my heart is automatically closed to receiving His love. I may have a reason for being ashamed (sin or disobedience) or I may just be living under a constant feeling of failure. Either way communion cannot be sustained under these conditions. Eventually I will grow weary of feeling ashamed and I will look elsewhere for affirmation or comfort.
Our children’s hearts will respond in this same way towards us as parents. If I choose to allow my child to see that I am disappointed in him, he will close his heart to me and eventually our relationship will grow cold. He will not be able to receive my rebuke because he feels unsafe and insecure. He will not be able to receive my love because he feels as if he has lost my affection by his actions.
When rebuking a child, never act as though you are shocked in an effort to communicate the severity of their actions. In a calm and loving voice, tell them why what they did was wrong and then discipline accordingly .
Thank you so much for coming and speaking with us about this!!
I know its gonna help when I one day have children. Until then, I gotta pray that husband in;)