Never Shame Your Children

Shame is the absolute worst way to extract compliance from the heart of a child.  For the most part it is ineffective because children cannot process and respond to manipulation in the way adults can, so not only will you not get the obedience you are after, but more detrimentally you will shut down their heart and ability to receive either love or discipline.

I learned this lesson the hard way.  Many times out of fatigue, distraction or down right laziness I have opted to allow my children to see how frustrated, disappointed, shocked, or hurt I was through my words (“why are you acting this way”, “why would you do that”, “what were you thinking”), tone of voice or body language.  Instead of taking the time and energy to discipline them properly for disobedience I have sought to procure obedience through manipulation.  If they just know how disappointed I am in their actions, they will choose to stop acting this way.  Although a four year old will never be able to make this logical jump, they will hear loud and clear “I AM DISAPPOINTED IN YOU”

Shame is a heart closer and poison to a relationship.  Anytime I come before the Lord with shame , my heart is automatically closed to receiving His love.  I may have a reason for being ashamed (sin or disobedience) or I may just be living under a constant feeling of failure.  Either way communion cannot be sustained under these conditions.  Eventually I will grow weary of feeling ashamed and I will look elsewhere for affirmation or comfort.

Our children’s hearts will respond in this same way towards us as parents. If I choose to allow my child to see that I am disappointed in him, he will close his heart to me and eventually our relationship will grow cold.  He will not be able to receive my rebuke because he feels unsafe and insecure.  He will not be able to receive my love because he feels as if he has lost my affection by his actions.

When rebuking a child, never act as though you are shocked in an effort to communicate the severity of their actions.  In a calm and loving voice, tell them why what they did was wrong and then discipline accordingly .

The Journey Begins Today

Today I started something that has been a secret dream in my heart for several years.  It all started when I read a book called The Well Educated Mind: a Guide to the Classical Education You Never Had.  I have always loved reading and secretly I have always wanted to be “scholarly” or”well-read”, but I felt so ill-equipped to read the “great books”  Would I be able to understand them?  Would I be able to discern what in them was true and what was based on faulty logic?  You see I went through 16 years of public school education, made excellent grades, but I have this nagging fear that I never really learned to think for myself.  I am wonderful at memorization and recitation, but assessing arguments and drawing my own conclusions is a scary and unfamiliar world.  I want to be able to think for myself, I am just not sure anyone ever taught me how.

So today I began the journey of reading through the great novels, histories, autobiographies, dramas, and poetry of western civilization.  Susan Wise Bauer (the author of The Well-Educated Mind) has a chronological list of recommended reading and a basic guide on how to have a dialogue with books in a way that allows you to understand, assess and draw your own conclusions.

As I read chapter 1 of Don Quixote today I had that nervous feeling that this was going to be just another one of those things I start with a lot of zeal and never get around to finishing.  However, I will not let the fear of failure or incompletion stop me for one more day.  If I never start I will definitely never finish.

On a side note, and just to brag on God for a minute, yesterday Ron and I drove to Half Price Books to pick up a second copy of Don Quixote because we want to do this together and heaven knows we can’t share a book.  As I was thumbing through the seven different versions of the novel, Ron disappeared to the history/philosophy section of the bookstore.  When I had finally picked out the cheapest copy with the biggest margins (one of Bauer’s recommendations is writing your comments and questions in the margins of the book)  I went to find him. On the top shelf where no one but my husband would have noticed, he had discovered a 53 volume set of The Great Books of Western Civilization that was marked for $10.00.  We thought surely this has to be a mistake.  We asked the sales clerk.  She too thought it had to be a mistake, but said she would call her boss.  We still don’t know if they really wanted to sell all those books for $10 or if they felt obligated to honor the advertised price even though it was a mistake.  All we know is that 2 days after we decided to embark on this journey, we ended up with over 50% of the books on our reading list for $10.  I am taking it as a gift from heaven and a smile from God.

Power of a Focused Life–Mom Version

Recently I have been listening to the CD series “Power of a Focused Life” by Mike Bickle.  I have heard them before, but they always inspire me to take another look at how I am spending my time and therefore how I am spending my life.  I think I listened to them the first time when I was younger, single and had lots of free hours in a day.  Now that I have two children, many of my hours are determined for me and the lie creeps in that I can’t have a focused life when I am at the mercy of two little people all day.  But that is not true!

As I was listening I felt zeal rise up within me to take dominion over my days instead of just trying to make it until bedtime.  There are so many things I want to do in my life.  I want to touch God and have a flowing heart.  I want to train my children and impart the knowledge of God to them.  I want to be a writer.  I want to love my husband well.  None of this is just going to happen.  I don’t want to look back on my life 10 years from now and wish I had done it differently.  More than that, I don’t want to be found without oil when the announcement comes that the Bridegroom is coming.  I don’t want to have to answer for buried talents at the judgement seat.

However, my zeal was met with an almost immediate reality check that I simply can’t walk it out exactly like the CDs describe.  I can’t schedule my life in 15 minute increments.  Heck, it takes me 15 minutes to clean up the milk that got spilled at lunch and then change a dirty diaper.  I would live in constant frustration.  But I can have a clear life vision that is communicated in concrete goals and expressed in scheduled time.  If I really want to be a better writer in 10 years, I have to put writing in my schedule this week.  If I really want to teach my children to pray, I have to ask the Holy Spirit for creative ideas and then put the time to do them in our daily schedule.  I can have big dreams and genuine intentions but still waste my life.

Jesus, Have Mercy On Me

Daniel and I have “bible time” every morning, after breakfast, when Brennan goes down for his first nap.  Basically we just read a story out of the Read and Grow Picture Bible, talk about it and spend some time listening for anything Jesus might want to say to us.  So far the “listening” time has been pretty much fruitless (Daniel mostly just pretends to close his eyes by squinting them up really tight and then watches to see what I am doing) but I am just believing that if we keep asking Jesus to speak to us, He will answer. 

Currently we are in the Gospels, and this week we have read three separate stories where someone cries out “Jesus, have mercy on me”.  First there were the ten lepers who stood at a distance and cried out “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us!”  Then there was the parable about the self-righteous Pharisee and the tax collector who go up to the Temple to pray.  The Pharisee thanks the Lord that he is not like other men who are sinners.  The tax collector beats his chest and cries out, “God, be merciful to me a sinner”  Jesus declares that it was the tax collector who went home forgiven.  Finally we read about blind Bartimaeus who hears that Jesus is passing by and cries out “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”  When those around him tell him to be quiet, he only yells louder.  Jesus heals him and declares that his faith has made him well.

I probably would have never noticed the repetition except that when we were reading the story of the ten lepers I made Daniel pretend to be one of the lepers yelling out “Jesus, have mercy on us!”  Then the next day we were beating our chests and yelling “God, be merciful to me a sinner” like the tax collector.  By the time we were pretending to be Bartimaeus, I was starting to see a pattern. 

The Lord convicted me about how much I hate admitting my need for mercy.  The lepers, the tax collector and Bartimaeus all saw that they had a need, they were unashamed of their need, and every one of their requests were answered.  I want to have it all together.  I want to go into a hidden corner, clean up all of my messy places and then present my prepackaged goodness to the Lord.  Emotionally this leaves me swinging on a pendulum between shame, when I have failed, and pride, when I feel like I have done everything right. 

This line of thinking has many holes, but two of the main ones are its fundamental misunderstanding of the human condition and its low view of God’s desire to lavish grace on the broken and contrite heart.  When I believe that I can attain goodness outside of the grace of God, I am believing my heart to be something other than desperately wicked.  Only by His hand working in me, can I will or do anything worthy of bringing Him pleasure.  Can I be humble enough to accept that?  Secondly, He is the God who sent His Son to die that I might receive mercy.  He could not have condescended any farther to show me that if I will be humble enough to ask for it, He will freely give abounding grace. 

So this week when I have felt like I was failing, I have tried not to  give over to shame or my tendency to come up with a way to do it better next time.   Instead, I have beat my chest and said “God, be merciful to me a sinner.”

Vacation Update

We are back from vacation, and slowly getting back into the swing of life.  We stepped off the airplane in Kansas City  and I looked at Ron and said “I don’t feel very good”  Within 24 hours, Ron, Daniel and I all had fevers.  I suppose we had some version of the flu, but it is not easy coming  back from vacation with no clean clothes and no food in the house when all you want to do is hide under the covers.  We survived, and now we are pretty much healed up.

Vacation itself went really well.  Although it wasn’t perfect, I feel like we took some ground in the area of learning how to rest in a godly manner.  Ron got up every morning and stole away to be with the Lord until about 10 a.m. then we spent the rest of the day intentionally engaging our kids and enjoying being a family.    We took lots of walks, played on lots of playgrounds, and even went to a high school soccer game which Daniel loved. 

 One of the highlights of the trip was getting to stand right where John and Charles Wesley preached to one of the first Georgia colonies at Fort Frederica.  It turns out that we were there praying for the annointing that the Wesley brothers had to be on our boys the very day that they preached their first sermon to the colonist.  Significant?….I think so! 

I did have to reevaluate the trip about half way through when I started feeling my heart get bitter and disappointed because I didn’t feel like I was getting much of a “vacation”  I hadn’t thought about the fact that even though we were on vacation, little tummies still need to be fed, and diapers have to be changed and naps need to be taken.  My life was looking shockingly similar to what  it looks like at home except I didn’t have all of my stuff that makes it easier to do those things at home.   False expectations robbing me of contentment. 

It took me a day or two to realize that those expectations had been unrealisitc for this season of my life.  It won’t always be this way.  One day I will wish my boys clammered for my undivided attention.  They will only be little once.  I don’t want to spend this time wishing they were older only to turn around and wish they were younger again in a few years.  I want to appreciate and enjoy them at every stage so I don’t look back and regret wasting the time I did have with them.

What Does a Downing Family Vacation Look Like?

In three weeks we are going on vacation.  Since we have been married we have never been on a “family vacation” that was not consumed with support raising or visiting family.  I am not counting our honeymoon, at which time we did not support raise or visit family thankfully.  This particular vacation will include both support raising and visiting Ron’s grandparents, but since we are going for 2 1/2 weeks, there will also be plenty of just family time.   This has led me to ask the question: “What do the Downings do on vacation?”  Ron has recently read about and been provoked by what John Piper and his family do on vacation.  Since my knowledge is only second hand, I can’t really give any specifics, but I know it includes a lot of time with Jesus, intentionally family interaction, and rest in the true sense of the word. 

Up until this point, my idea of vacation has included sleeping in, having cookies and Dr. Pepper for breakfast, watching TV in my pajamas, finally getting a shower and heading out to the mall, beach, amusement park, etc, grazing on junk food for most of the day, eating out for dinner, and maybe watching a movie when we get home.  I typically spend very little time with the Lord, and eventually come home feeling overindulged and spiritually dull. 

So, I am setting my heart to make this vacation different.  I don’t want to ”check-out” from my relationship with Jesus and justify gross self-indulgence because “I deserve it. I’m on vacation”.  I want to come home feeling refreshed and more connected to my family.  I want to use the freedom from normal life responsibilities to increase my time in the Word and prayer.  I want the break from the mundane to fuel intentionality with my husband and children, not justify pacifying them while I get a little “me time”   

These are my goals.  I don’t have specifics of how to do it, but I am asking the Lord to give me wisdom.  If you have any insight, I am open to ideas.

25 Random Things About Me

I did this on Facebook and I thought it would be fun to post it here too

1. My husband and I dated, were engaged, and married within 5 months
2. I am pretty sure my 2 year old is a genius
3. I have ZERO sense of direction. I can’t tell you how many times I have called my husband because I was lost somewhere and needed him to tell me how to get home. He has a wonderful sense of direction.
4. I want to complete a triathlon one day
5. When I first got married we ate spaghetti all the time because it was the only thing I knew how to cook. I have improved a lot since then.
6. I love being on the water. Water skiing is one of my favorite things to do, but I haven’t gotten to do it once since I have lived in Kansas City
7. The one time I went snow sking was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was so bad at it, I eventually just took my skies off and walked down the hill, I lost my purse with $300 cash and all forms of ID, fell on a patch of ice in the parking lot, ruined my favorite ring in a hot tub, got 6 cold sores, and believe me I could go on
8. I am a horrible singer, but it doesn’t bother me one bit to sing in front of other people
9. I was the flag raiser in sixth grade. I still notice when people leave flags flying in the rain or at night with no light shining on them.
10. Ice cream is my favorite food
11. I have a slight obsession with watching women’s gymnastics. I was crushed when Shawn Johnson didn’t win the 2008 Olympics
12. I meet people really easily, but it takes me a long time to make good friends
13. I am a small town girl to the core. Living in Kansas City is a challenge for me.
14. I dislike almost all condiments (ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, salad dressing, etc)
15. The Mighty Ducks movies are my favorites. I refer to them as “The Trilogy”
16. I love organization and schedules. I thrive when I feel like everything is in order and I am getting a lot accomplished
17. I loathe shopping
18. In college I went to Russia for 3 weeks to work with orphans. The thing I remember the most is how sad everyone in Russia looks
19. I was married in a rose garden with no roses (it was April and they hadn’t bloomed yet), but the weather was perfect
20. I have an unnatural fear of snakes
21. My husband’s IQ is one point higher than mine. I challenged him to a friendly competition and ended up losing. But in my own defense, I was holding a baby while I was taking the test
22. Jane Austin is my favorite author. She only wrote 6 books before she died. I had read all of them except Northanger Abbey. Secretly I was saving it, because I knew once I read it there would be no more. When I finally read it, I was so disappointed. It was by far my least favorite.
23. When people give me money as a gift I almost never end up spending it on myself. In theory I am saving it until I find the “perfect” thing, but it usually gets spent on something else before that ever happens.
24. My first baby weighed almost 11 lbs., I was in labor for 3 days, and ended up having a C-section. My second birth experience went much better.
25. Being a young mom has been my favorite stage of life so far

Raising a Generation with an Elijah Worldview

I started blogging for several reasons.  For one, I wanted to practice writing.  Nothing fancy, just the simple act of putting ideas into coherent sentences.  Secondly, and more importantly, I wanted to learn to communicate well the message I believe the Lord is working in me.    I may  not be a forerunner in the way I thought I would be before I had children, but He is giving me a different message that I believe will also help prepare the way for His return.    Most of my posts up until this point have been the former.  This one is my first shot at the latter.  I am telling you this to ask for you help.  Please challenge me, push me on points that I haven’t thought through well, tell me where my language is muddy and incoherent.  This is a learning experience for me, so I invite your feedback.  

I almost never put my children in front of the TV.  There are multiple reasons why but, it all started when Daniel was only a couple months old.  Someone had given me a Baby Einstein DVD, and I was really craving some ”me” time so I put it on to see if he would watch it.  I had heard that children are mesmerized by these things, and my son was no different.  He was immediately captivated by it.  I sat down to watch a few minutes of it, and this thought came to my spirit…this is why children don’t see in the Spirit; they are fascinated by other things. 

Even before Daniel was born, I felt like he was going to have a prophetic annointing that would allow him to see things in the spirit, so I have been  zealous about protecting his eye gates for as long as it is my responsibility.  This little experience with the Baby Einstein DVD was the beginning of a journey I feel like the Lord is taking me on to see the detriment of abandoning our children to mass media entertainment. 

By putting our children infront of the TV so that we can do a load of laundry, cook dinner, clean the house, read a magazine, take a bubble bath, whatever, we are training them to love the immediate gratification and stimulation that TV provides.    I know this first hand.  I love to watch TV.  Nothing allows me to disengage and check out from reality like sitting down and wasting a few hours in front of the TV.   Hence why we don’t have one in our house.  I could easily waste my days away if the option was available to me.  When given the option between immediate pleasure and quieting our spirits to wait for an unseen God, most people will choose the  former.  I don’t want to train my children to be captivated by the immediate entertainment that television gives them, only to try to retrain them when the are “old enough” that ultimate pleasure will be found only in Jesus.  If Jesus wants to come to them in a dream or show them something in the spirit, I don’t want their little minds to be too cluttered with what they saw on TV to percieve His gift. 

The second reason I feel zealous about keeping my children away from the clutches of mass media is because I want their worldview to be shaped by the truths of the Kingdom of God, not today’s culture.  I heard Lou Engle say something once about raising children with an “Elijah worldview”.  That phrase put language to what I feel like the Lord is putting in my heart.  Daniel (the biblical character, not my son) did not decide the day he was taken into captivity that he loved God and didn’t want to defile himself.  He was raised to believe the truths of God more than what the culture around him was saying. 

Taking in large amounts of media, whether we are aware of it or not, influences how we see the world.  When I was young, my parents wouldn’t let me watch Beverly Hills 90210 and I was furious.  You can only imagine what it does to the social standing of a sixth grader when everyone is talking about what happened to Dylan and Kelly last night and you are clueless.  I didn’t understand at the time that my mom didn’t want me to think it was okay to sleep around, therefore  she didn’t want to allow me to fill my mind with and idolize those who did so so nonchalantly.   Mom, if you are reading this, I now acknowledge that you were wiser than me.  Thanks for looking out for me.   

Here however is where I would probably diverge from the majority of American Christians.  Not only do I not want my children watching immorality on TV, I also don’t want their realities shaped by anything that doesn’t line up with the reality of the Kingdom; this would include most of what is on TV.  For example, lets assume there was a romantic comedy that contained no immorality (I think you would be hard pressed to find one, but maybe one aimed at preteen girls)  Although there is nothing overtly morally wrong with this movie, my guess is it presents love in a way that is totally contrary to how God views love.  Real love involves self-sacrifice.  Not the ”I am going to risk my life/reputation/standard of living in order to win your heart” kind of sacrifice.  This typical Hollywood portrayal of self-sacrifice is ultimately based in selfishness:  you make me feel a certain way and therefore I will fight for your heart, because I want to keep feeling this way.  Real love is when you offer me nothing (even a good feeling) and yet I still lay down my life for you.   Young girls grow up indoctrinated with a false idea of what love is going to feel like, and when their husbands don’t constantly make them feel that way, they assume that their husbands don’t “really” love them and therefore they are free to go find someone who does.  Hence the astronomical divorce rate.  We have forgotten what Jesus showed us love would look like and wholeheartedly bought the lie that the media has sold us. 

Another lie that I think is poisonous to our children is the media portrayal of what being a teenager should be like.  I grew up watching Saved by the Bell like it was a religion.  It was a totally clean show, but it propagated the idea that being a teenager should be all about having fun with my friends, hanging out, going to parties, etc.  What if Mary would have had that worldview?  Would Daniel or Joseph have been able to carry their hearts so well in captivity if they were living this way prior to being enslaved?  Don’t get me wrong, I want my children to have fun sometimes, but I don’t want them to wait until they are 20 to experience Jesus in a profound way. 

If I want my boys to live like Elijah lived and carry their hearts the way John the Baptist carried his, I must feed them the spiritual food that they ate.    I don’t want to enslave them to false ways of thinking so I can have a little more “me” time. 

Wow that was long.  I am sure there is a more succinct way to say that.  If you were committed enough to read the whole thing, tell me what you think.

Will I Recognize Him?

I am currently in the process of reading a fictional series that is an allegory of the fall of man, death of Jesus, and I am assuming His  return (I haven’t finished the last book yet) .  The second book introduces the “Jesus” character who ultimately dies to take away the ”disease” that plagues the people.  The character is introduced in the beginning of the book, but you don’t find out he is “Jesus” until close to the end.  Well, I spent the better part of the book disliking this character and wondering which of the other characters was going to step forward as ”Jesus” to check his arrogance and blasphemy.  I was shocked when I figured out that he was representing Jesus.  I thought back over all that he had done throughout the book, and I realized that he actually was quite a bit like the Jesus of the Gospels.    Ahhhh…how had I not seen it.  

Now I am aware that this novel is just fiction, and I am not basing my ideas of what Jesus is really like on this character.  There were actual things that I disagreed with.  However, I had fresh eyes when I was reading the Gospels the next morning.  I happened to be  reading the account of Jesus cursing the fig tree.  It dawned on me that I have no idea why He did this, and frankly it doesn’t seem quite fair since it says right there in the bible that it wasn’t the season for figs to be growing.  I am sure there is  a wonderful theological explanation for why Jesus did this, but in that moment I wasn’t concerned that I couldn’t give a 5 point analysis of the passage.  I was concerned that if I had happened apon Jesus in that moment, I would not have recognized God standing in front of me.  This is just one of the many accounts of the Gospels that, had I seen them first hand, I may have failed to see God. 

If I had never heard the story of the incarnation, would I have been able to acknowledge God in such depths of humility?  Would I have believed that when God showed up on the earth, He would have no place to lay His head? Would a crucified man have been recognizable to me as the faithful witness of everything that God is like?

As concerned as I am that I don’t have a full understanding of all His ways during His first coming, it really pointed me to a bigger issue.  Will I recognize Him when He returns?  Will I understand and agree with His ways?  Do I love Him in His kindness, mercy, jealousy, wrath, judgement, wisdom, humility, faithfulness, etc.?    If He was standing right infront of me, would I call Him God?  Will I believe that all His ways are good and loving?

I was provoked to spend more time reading His Word, asking Him to make Himself known to me.  I want to recognize Love when it is fully manifested in a man who wants me for His bride!

Self-Pity

Mondays and Tuesdays can be really hard days for me.  Ron is gone for long hours, and I try to use those days to practice solitude by not really leaving the house.  It isn’t “real” solitude since I still have a 2 year old and a 3 month old to take care of, but it is the closest I can get in this season. 

Because of my natural propensity to HATE being by myself, these days prove to be a challenge.  Most people have an internal chip that tells them when they need some alone time;  I was created without this chip Therefore I could be around people almost constantly and never feel the need to sneak in some personal time.  Being around people actually gives me energy.  Case in point:  I have been trying to get up early to spend time with the Lord before my boys get up (see earlier post for more details ) and I started noticing that on the mornings when Ron has a few minutes to sit and talk with me before he has to go to work, I have no problem staying awake after he leaves.  Mornings when he has to slip out early, I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.  It’s like my own version of caffeine. 

So in my own journey into self awareness I have found that I have a much higher propensity to frustration, anger, selfpity, etc on these particular days of the week.  This week it was self-pity that came knocking at my door.  Self-pity is an old friend of mine.  I have a personal weakness of inviting this sin to come on in and take up residence in my heart.  I  would go into all of the reasons I was pitying myself, but that would only be indulging lies so I will spare you. 

By the time Ron came home for a few minutes this afternoon I was so far down this slippery slope that I was on the verge of tears and I could actually hear the lies and accusations of the enemy flying through my brain.  Self-pity has a particularly sinister nature.  It actually robs you of the ability to think of anyone but yourself, and therefore renders you incapable of love.    Joy and thankfulness also flee in the face of indulged self-pity. 

So after way too much indulgence, I entered into the violent struggle to break my agreement with the deception that I have a bad lot in life.    This struggle is not for the faint of heart.  The choice is easy in the sense that it  really only takes one simple act of the will, but very hard and painful in the sense that it goes against everything our flesh is screaming for.  I refer to the feeling I get when I know I have to make this choice as the “throw-up” feeling.  I hate throwing up, but I always know I will feel better afterwards.  So goes the life of loving righteousness and hating wickedness 

After the choice had been made, and I had returned to truth and reality, Ron said “Let’s make 2009 a year of not believing demonic lies”  That is all self-pity really is, believing a tailor-made deception designed to make me more concerned with myself than with loving Jesus or laying down my life for others. 

 So on Sunday nights I will acknowledge my own weakness and ask Jesus to help me through the next few days.  I will wake up Monday morning and consciously thank Jesus for all He has given me, and until date night on Wednesday I will take every thought captive so as to  not give the enemy one inch of ground in my heart.  Hopefully this little plan will spill over into every other day, but for now I will focus on the part of the wall that is weak